When IT sing Beatles songs...

YESTERDAY
By : Beatles

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my database has gone away
Oh I believe in yesterday.....

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay- ay-ay

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away
I knew my data was all here to stay
Now I believe in yesterday

IMAGINE
by : John Lennon

Imagine there's no Windows
It's easy if you try
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives

Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!
Imagine never ending hard disks
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too

Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money
You may say I'm a hacker
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again

Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!
You may say I'm a hacker
But I'm not the only one
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.....

LET IT BE
By : Beatles

When I find my code in tons of trouble
Friends and colleagues come to me
Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C
As the deadline fast approaches
And bugs are all that I can see
Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C
LOGO's dead and buried
Write in C

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN
For science it worked flawlessly
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly
Soon you will be glad to Write in C

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, yeah, Write in C
BASIC's not the answer
Write in C
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C
Pascal won't quite cut it
Write in C

Girlfriend vs Wife

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 including BEERS Night 11.5. In addition, View Women 6.5 was completely erased!.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.



REPLY:

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 and/or PMS 99.0. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, to install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Good Manners!!!

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions the students,one by one.

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper ."

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Explain about the kids..?!?!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.
You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Jual Putau

Joko yang sedang sakaw berat akhirnya memutuskan pergi ke apotik terdekat.
Joko: "Pak, jual putauw, nggak?"
Penjual: "Ini apotik legal, nggak jual yang begituan."

Keesokan harinya Joko datang lagi.
Joko: "Pak, jual putauw, nggak?"
Penjual (heran): "Lho, kemaren kan sudah saya bilang kalau apotik ini
legal, nggak jual barang begituan!"

Joko: "Maaf, Pak..."

Keesokannya lagi, Joko datang mencoba keberuntungannya.

Joko: "Pak, ada putauw?"

Penjual (marah dan kesal): "Goblok banget sih elo! Gue udah bilang di
sini toko obat legal. Gak ada yang namanya putauw. Berani-beraninya
minta barang haram kayak gitu. Kalau elu dateng lagi minta putauw, gua
gunting kuping lu!!"
Joko kabur gemetaran.
Keesokan harinya (lagi)... si Joko nongol di toko obat tersebut. Si penjual
sudah masang tampang sangar.

Joko (takut-takut): "Pak... ada gunting?"

Penjual (setengah cuek): "Nggak!"
Joko: "Mmm.... kalo gitu... kalo gitu... ada putauw??

KAWIN EMAS

Sepasang suami istri sedang menikmati makan malam yang indah dalam rangka merayakan ulang tahun perkawinan mereka yang ke-50. Ulang Tahun Perkawinan Emas dengan 8 anak + 28 cucu + 2 cicit.
Ketika menikmati makanan pencuci mulut, si suami tiba-tiba teringat sesuatu dan kemudian menoleh ke arah istrinya dan bertanya, "Ada satu hal yang ingin kutanyakan padamu sejak lama lho. Tapi aku merasa tidak enak, jadi pertanyaan ini belum pernah terlontarkan. ..... Tapi malam ini khan kita merayakan Kawin Emas kita, kita sendiri sudah jadi Oma sama Opa, jadi... ada baiknya saya tanyakan sekarang deh..."

Si istri, "Apa sih? Tanya saja. Kenapa mesti tidak enak?"
"Gini.... anak kita yang nomor 4 kok nggak mirip sama! saudara- saudaranya yang lain. Apakah papanya beda?", tanya sang suami.
Si istri kaget mendengar pertanyaan sang suami.
Ia menundukkan kepala dan nggak sanggup menatap suaminya. "Iya.....," katanya mengaku, "Papanya beda."
Hening....... Mata si suami mendadak dipenuhi kabut air mata... "Ooh...," katanya sambil menahan sesak di dada, "Kalo gitu, boleh gak aku tahu siapa papanya?"
Hening lagi.......Sembari mengumpulkan keberanian, si istri menjawab, "Kamu...."

PAIJO PUNYA HAPE...

**Mode Betawi Language set : ON**

Si Paijo yang udik baru aje panen besar (maklum gak kena puso) pergi ke kota. Dia pengin banget beli handphone. Maka ia pergi ke counter hp.
Paijo : Mbak, saya mau beli hp.
Sales : Ini, Mas.
Paijo : Lo, kok gak nyala?
Sales : O, ini belum ada nomor kartunya, Mas. Mas harus beli kartunya dulu.
Paijo : Ya udah, saya beli kartunya. Kasih nomor cantik ya. (idih, udik kok ngerti nomor cantik?-red)

Setelah itu pulanglah si Paijo ke kampungnya, tapi dia heran kok gak bisa dipake tuh hp, maka besoknya ia datangi lagi sales tokonya.
Paijo : Kamu ini gimana, kok hp ini gak bisa dipake di kampung saya?
Sales : O, itu karena di kampung Mas belum ada sinyal.
Paijo : La, situ kok nggak bilang kemarin. Ya udah saya beli sinyalnya sekalian, jualan kok sendiri-sendiri gitu sih ?.
Sales : ???**##@@$$

Wife's Diary vs Husband's Diary

WIFE's DIARY
Sunday night.
I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong.
He said: "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say: "I love u, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND's DIARY
Today, Manchester United lost the match. DAMN IT..!!
(ends)

Would You Get Married Again?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE : "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND : "Definitely not!"
WIFE : "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND : "Of course I do."
WIFE : "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND : "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE : "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND : (makes audible groan)
WIFE : "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND : "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE : "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND : "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE : "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND : "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE : "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND : "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE : "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE : "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND : "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE : -- silence --

HUSBAND : "shit."

Lesson to Learn

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"

Lesson I: Always allow the bosses to speak first

^^^

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson II: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything

^^^

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese, are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese,
Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson III: Never insult anyone

^^^

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a Korean, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said,"Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The Korean was next and he jumped and shouted "Soju". He was so contented with his Soju pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH*T!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV: Think twice before you say something, because sometimes accidents do happen.

Berat Badan

SEBELAS RAMBU KUNING BERAT BADAN

1. Jika Anda sudah menikah dan cincin pernikahan mulai sulit dilepaskan dari jari manis Anda.
2. Saat tujuhbelas Agustusan, Anda menjadi peserta yang dicari-cari untuk bagian paling belakang di perlombaan tarik tambang antar RT.
3. Teman kerja Anda mulai menyarankan agar Anda menggunakan tangga, dan bukan lift.
4. Sepatu Anda kekecilan semua dan Nike Air Anda kempes.
5. Setiap Anda naik angkutan umum, kenek meminta ongkos untuk dua orang.
6. Anda harus jongkok dan mengambil ancang-ancang dulu sebelum melompat.
7. Saat Anda mencoba timbangan koin elektronis, ia berkata agar naik ke timbangannya satu-satu, jangan duaan atau lebih.
8. Setiap Anda melompat masuk kolam renang, terjadi ombak lokal yang cukup dahsyat.
9. Anda terpaksa beli ikat pinggang baru karena kehabisan tempat untuk bikin lubang lagi.
10. Satu-satunya cara agar Anda bisa menghemat biaya makan di luar adalah dengan mendatangi restoran all- you-can-eat.
11. Dokter internis Anda menyarankan untuk menurunkan berat badan, demi kesehatan Anda.

SEBELAS RAMBU MERAH BERAT BADAN

1. Cincin pernikahan sudah tak bisa dilepaskan dari jari kelingking Anda, kecuali dengan las atau amputasi.
2. Begitu mengetahui Anda juga mengikuti lomba makan kerupuk, semua peserta lain mengundurkan diri.
3. Alarm lift yang Anda naiki protes keberatan, padahal Anda sendirian.
4. Anda lupa nomor sepatu Anda karena sudah lebih dari setahun tidak bisa melihat kaki sendiri. Anda bahkan tidak yakin sudah mengenakan sepatu atau belum.
5. Saat Anda bergerak menuju angkutan umum kosong yang sedang ngetem, mobilnya malah kabur.
6. Setiap Anda mengambil ancang-ancang mau melompat, semua orang di sekitar langsung tiarap.
7. Saat Anda mencoba timbangan koin elektronis, uang Anda dimuntahkan.
8. Pengurus kolam renang langganan Anda menyesuaikan jadwal menguras kolam dengan kedatangan Anda.
9. Penjual ikat pinggang mulai menawarkan tali tambang.
10. Anda mau memasuki restoran all-you-can-eat dan tempatnya langsung tutup.
11. Bahkan dokter Anda pun menyarankan untuk menurunkan berat badan, demi keselamatan dunia.

Stupid Question with Smart Answers

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1.Girlfriend: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."

2.Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon."
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it."

3.Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil: "A teacher."

4.Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

5.My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6.Teacher: "Sam, you talk a lot!"
Sam: "It's a family tradition."
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher."
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Sam: "She's a woman."

7.Tom: "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated."

8.Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student: "Brotherly love."

9.Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam: "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook."

10.Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out often people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died."

11.Teacher: "Can any body give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12.Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Don't mess with Old People

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing her response said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by cheque ". "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

>>Don't mess with Old People<<

Jokes - Marriage...

Jokes

Before marriage......
He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage.........
Simply read from bottom to top.